Dating - Rudy Mancuso & Lilly SinghWelcome to my blog where I document my adventures in life, fashion and travel. In a perfect Indian world, a vichola, or a middle man of sorts, would go to one family they know and see if their child would be interested in marrying the child of another family they know. If they both agree, then the vichola would bring the families together and they would meet, discuss, the girl and the guy would get to meet for a few minutes and then a decision would be made. If they agree, the wedding process begins. If not, back to the drawing board. According to an article written by Santana Flanigan , arranged marriages have been a part of Indian culture since the fourth century and began as a way of bringing together and maintaining upper caste families. This idea eventually trickled down to lower castes as well for the same purpose. Indian Parents and Dating 2
I never had a sleep-over. These were just aspects of my childhood that I accepted as givens. Therein lays a large crux of the problem. They were never explicitly forbidden in my family, but I knew what was expected of me whether or not I ended up doing what was expected is debatable.
Expected, in the sense of culture, tradition, and religion. For in my family, those three words are pretty synonymous. After having a shower in the morning, it is customary to go in front of the altar, bow down, say a few prayers, and put the holy ash on your forehead.
You never asked why. You just do it. A kiss? I clearly remember having my eyes closed or the channel switched if characters kissed in a movie. No clue. Never questioned that either. From a theoretical perspective I understand their point-of-view regarding friendships.
To my parents, family is the only one who will always stick with you no matter what. No matter the consequences. I went through a particularly rough patch during my junior year of high school, and my family was there to pick me back up and put the pieces together.
They wonder what the point is in investing so much time in a relationship that will, in their eyes, eventually fall apart. Because of the way I have been raised, I find it difficult to have meaningless friendships.
I tend to heavily invest myself emotionally into any friendship that I deeply care about. Perhaps this is also because I am a deeply private individual.
People think arranged marriage currently and immediately jump to the conclusion that there is an aspect of force involved, where there is no choice but either party member. My parents are in the process of finding someone for my elder sister, for she is at a marriageable age. I get to see my future, firsthand. The boy first of all needs to be from a good family, studied at a top university, and have a good career path. Once these criteria are all met, then a dialogue can be started between the parents of the potential bride and groom.
According to an article written by Santana Flaniganarranged marriages have been a part of Indian culture since the fourth century and began as a way of bringing together and maintaining upper caste families.
This idea eventually trickled down to lower castes as well for the same purpose. If you look back at European history, royal families had arranged marriages too and for similar reasons!
Even people today are still on board with arranged marriages, including myself! A big reason, as Moni Basu from CNN states, is because of the stigmas that are still attached to marrying someone outside of your religion or social class. Dating is also synonymous to sex in Indian culture, which is a definite no-no. This situation with your parents not wanting you to leave the house may actually prove to be a good test of your relationship.
Is your girlfriend willing to be patient with your situation? If you definitely feel that this woman is someone you want to be with long-term, then you may have to make a choice to move out of your parents' house and start supporting yourself earlier than you had planned to in order to make this relationship work. In my experience it's uncommon for Indian parents to have such a hold on a child post age This way you'll be able to assert your boundaries better, because you'll have more autonomy over your life.
From what I have heard about this sort of thing, this is the plan I recommend for you: a Hide the relationship until you have moved out of the house, have your degree paid for, and are no longer being financially supported by your parents. And seriously, you can't sleep over there as much as you're doing and still hide it. She's going to have to learn to sleep with a teddy bear or something, because all the sleepovers is an obvious red flag.
You don't want to get busted and cut off for this right now, right? This is going to be an exhausting, years-long battle, don't fight it with them until you absolutely have to. Make sure that you can take care of yourself first, and that your girlfriend is worth that. Good luck. You'll need it. I'm going to drop some wisdom, here. Maybe this will be seen by the mods as "not an answer to the question", but it's something I think about every time these questions come up.
And I feel like it might be valuable advice for any young person facing parental disapproval. Everyone, regardless of race, regardless of class, regardless of what country your parents are from, has to establish their own identity separate from their parents in order to become an adult.
You just have to. There is no way to not do this. Now, for some people -- and it's really hard to know whether you'll be one of those people, until you find yourself in this situation -- doing that is harder than you'd like it to be. I was one of those people, which is why I have a lot of feelings about it, over a decade later. And so you come to a point. The point you're at right now. Your parents disapprove of something about your life, and they are not afraid to do batshit crazy stuff like forbid you from leaving the house in order to erase this thing they don't like about you.
You have two choices here. You can submit to them treating you like a nine year old. This probably sounds like the most attractive option right now, because the stakes aren't all that high and your parents have a degree of control over your life that makes rebellion inconvenient. And I think for people who never had to face that fundamental disapproval, those people will always see this as the prudent choice.
Or you can rip off the bandaid. Let them disapprove. Let them be disappointed.
Let them rage, and try to ground you, and throw temper tantrums. You're an adult. There's nothing they can really do to you to keep you from being who you are. And the thing about letting them rage is that, sooner or later, it won't seem so scary to you.
Which will free you up to make the kinds of choices you need to make. Better to watch them throw tantrums over how many nights a week you go out, or your girlfriend's background, and see this behavior for what it is.
Now, it's true that your parents might kick you out or stop paying for school. You should definitely weigh all the consequences before you decide the time is right to rip off the bandaid. Don't throw away a world class education for the sake of seeing your girlfriend that one extra night every week. If you don't have a couch you could crash on, a loan you could apply for, a job you could get, then maybe the time really isn't right.
I was disowned by my parents when I was 19, over something that is really stupid in hindsight it also had to do with my dating life. It was a really bad time in my life. But it also turned me into the adult I needed to become. And it was worth learning that disappointing your parents isn't the end of the world. OP you have my permission to go ahead and ignore the answers from people who are not in the least bit familiar with your culture, or have any idea what it's like to be caught in between two very different value sets, yet insist that their experience qualifies them to tell you how to behave.
Tell them you're dating a Pakistani girl of a different religion. They will be so relieved when they find out she's white! No, I'm just joking. When you're ready, you will experience what Sara C.
Everyone has their own voice apart from their parents and the whole problem in your question is that yours isn't loud enough yet. Seconding homesickness that it really is hard for many non-Indians to appreciate the cultural dynamics at play.
Biologically I'm a part-Indian, part-German woman who grew up outside of Indian culture both cultures, really. I really didn't know anything about Indian culture at all until university where I was roommates with an Indian woman from my high school.
About five years ago she had an arranged marriage to an Indian man, with whom she completely and mutually fell in love with in the process of the engagement. He also happened to be the oldest son which meant they'd move in with his parents.
Indian online dating app TrulyMadly's YouTube channel uploaded a video today where they interviewed parents in Mumbai about their views. I don't think Indian parents are % opposed to the idea of dating but they definitely don't see it in the same way Westerners do. Indian. I (28M) am dating a beautiful Indian girl (27F). Im not Indian but she keeps hiding me from her family and won't tell them? What are Indian parents like?.
Once the wedding was over, their marriage seemed to nosedive right into a dark period wherein her parents-in-law aggressively exalted their parental authority over them. For the first couple years their marriage suffered tremendously.
However she maintained that she was in love with the man they had arranged her with, and she had already started her family with him. She and I had a single visit after she got married, wherein she confided her struggles and maintained her course of action.
What It's Like to Date with Strict Indian Parents
This was followed by radio silence for a few years, with the odd message maybe once a year. Yes, compared to Western standards and through a Western lens we may describe this as dysfunctional, but interwoven in the choices of you and your parents truly is a value system plainly different from that of Western society. There's more than just dysfunction at work here -- there is a clash and blending of cultures on multiple fronts, which leads me to another nugget from my life experience I can share with you I also happen to have a German female cousin who married a Sikh-Indian man her high school sweetie.
You bet his parents reacted adversely to her from the onset, yet several years later my cousin and her beau and their three lovely boys are still here, still managing to navigate his parents.
Sure, some things are still powerful points of contention the boys go to church, not the templebut consider this: if you're going to make your own choice about the woman you're going to be with, these are things you need to have a clear understanding about whether she is white or brown anyway. And from my perspective, whether you go traditional or western in choosing a woman to be with, it seems to stand that regardless of whether she's a perfect ethnic fit or not, you will still have to contend with bringing your girlfriend into a strongly traditional family.
So just some food for thought from my perspective.
I'm Indian and I have been dating a white girl for about months. How do I deal with my parents who only believe in marrying someone who. I'm about fall over in my chair and spill my chai on my keyboard when I see that the Indian profile I'm browsing is set up BY a woman's parents. Dating as an Indian can be summarized in two categorizes. Either you're too old and you should have been married yester.
I'd also like to add, do recognize that even though your girlfriend is "white" that doesn't mean she's necessarily lacking a possibly contentious cultural identity of her own.
I know it wasn't easy for my German cousin on both fronts; she was from the proud German branch of the family and also had to maintain her choice of husband to her own relatives. Both women in these stories have my admiration for that.
Dating is an anti-virginity-retention tool, and hence loathed by Indian parents. It opens doors that they would rather tightly lock and have the. vain superego dating devdas. Indian parents put their sons on a pedestal since birth, so it is extremely tough for a woman to later change that. I'm the daughter of traditional South Indian, Hindu, Brahmin parents. I'm not While I have never explicitly talked to my parents about dating or.
In short, I think your best bet is to definitely wait until you're sure the relationship is serious, that this is the woman you want to marry, and that she is on the same page with you before introducing her to your parents. If you're truly serious about her, then building your own autonomy and getting out from under your parents' roof will without question make the process of introducing your parents to her go much more smoothly for all parties. FWIW, I think it's quite an auspicious coincidence you posted this question today, as this morning for the first time in the four years since she marriedI had lunch with my Indian friend.
She's a happy mother of two, is still happy with her husband, and has found her power in balanced relation to the respect she has for her in-laws as well as her cultural identity.
In fact we were chatting about the how "white is right" mentality can be almost poisonous to Indian identity, and how Westerners simply do not have all the answers. Even if we can only start seeing each other once or twice a year, I know it's signal she's been figuring things out and that's fine by me.
Good luck, Parh! Nthing keep your head down until you move out. The crucial part of your story is that you live at home. Their house, their rules.
They love you, but they can make your home life miserable if they find out. Plan on moving out.
Indian parents and dating
Plan on losing their financial support when you do tell them, and you should, but only after you move out. Plan on them being angry and obstinate, maybe for a short time, maybe for a really long time.
Plan on losing them, at least for a while. It will be painful, but it will be a necessary step in leaving the nest and making your own life. Answering these kinds of questions will become easier if you think hard about one thing and make one decision: Do you want to follow what your parents want or do you want to follow what you want in your life? No "Yes It's that simple. You are young. You don't have to decide this tonight or tell your parents tonight.
Finish school, get a job, move out of family home. Gradually assert your independence. And, for the love of God, don't string a woman along for years just to settle with the parents wishes! Or equally worse, marry the girl of parents choice, have kids, get frustrated with life and then start having affairs or hitting on other women to make up for what you "missed". You can blame your parents and culture for only so long.
Part of growing up means taking responsibility for your life and decisions. Totally agree. You haven't given us enough information to know if that's true. However they react though, taking responsibility for your own life and decisions is something you absolutely must do, background culture aside, and this will make any difficult experience in your life easier, whether it's this specific situation or not.
I just wanted to chime in with one last thing: Your parents love you. Whenever they think about the people you're dating or will date, they are not just thinking about her. Their thoughts are tied in with their experiences coming to this country, their expectations of how she will interact with them, how they will interact with her parents, how the rest of your family will interact with her family, how both families will interact with your kids.
But there is no doubt in their minds that they love you completely and that they want to love the person you end up with even if she's white, and they know it, because they have definitely considered that possibility — promise.
And, while everyone has their opinions, I think that the whole idea of families coming together is a pretty awesome thing and should be preserved. Heck, in a Punjabi wedding we have the milni - literally "meeting" - ceremony where all the relatives meet each other before the bride and groom meet up for the ceremony.
My point is that I don't think the right method for you and your parents to work through the ups and downs of your dating life is through butting heads, stamping feet and ultimatums. The only method I've seen work in my family and for myself after 15 years of figuring it out through lots of butting heads, stamping feet and ultimatums with them is through love and kindness personally, I wish lots of problems in society were solved from that perspective but that's even more off topic.
Not to say that there won't be arguments or dark periods along the way — there most certainly will — but they want you to be happy from the perspective of love, and it's the best way for the whole thing to work when dealing with them.
What that means for your present situation and whoever you date in the future is that you both need to love each other and, when you bring your relationship public, do it from the perspective of respect and kindness as a team. As I mentioned before, I dated and introduced my parents to non-Indian girls I had serious relationships with. Some, they really liked and some they really hated. In hindsight, the girls they liked eventually, and often with many false starts, but eventually were the ones where our relationship was built on love and respect for each other and our mutual respect for those around us.
Naturally, that's not just "an Indian thing", but for your parents it's the only way they can approach the issues around who you're with. So, when I suggested waiting to tell them, I'm mainly saying that there's no immediate rush to tell them.
Figure out your relationship with the girl, figure out what you both want now and in the future. Basically, build a strong relationship with the person you're with then approach your parents with some of the strategies I suggested above. The part where she's not Indian will be really tough for them, but at least you and her will have figured your own stuff out before approaching your parents.
She will certainly need to be strong through it and should be willing to be strong with you. And they've totally thought about these things, too. They just have, unfortunately, very different ways of approaching the solutions and poor ways to communicate having been raised in a very different way, on the other side of the world.
Definitely move out.